The Healing Power of Value-Based Living

Written by Irena M. Cafasso, LMHC

"What would you like to see on your grave stone?"

This line comes from an exercise in the book “Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life” by Steven C. Hayes, Ph.D., founder of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, known as ACT. The idea is to imagine what would be written or said about us by people who are important to us after we leave this earth.

Throughout our lives many of us get swept up by trying to achieve the “normal” stuff. We

strive to acquire money, professional success, a partner or spouse, a big house, a fancy

car or any other material possessions or things that make our life pleasant and

comfortable. We compare ourselves to others and we believe that getting all those

things will make us happy. But, there is always more to achieve and there are always

people who seem to have it better or have more. So, our life becomes a treadmill we

keep running on. We too often keep running without taking a break, reflecting on

“where is it that I am running?" “And, what am I running exactly for?” As a result, many

of us become tired, lost, confused, and deadened. We put on a “happy” mask. We post

pretty pictures of us on social media. But, we don’t feel good about ourselves or our

lives. For many of us, something is missing or we may feel that something is wrong with

us. This is a very common and human experience that many people have described.

If you can relate to this, consider that there is always a choice to “pause.” We can

make a choice to step off the treadmill and ask questions, such as: “Am I happy?”

“What would make me happy, fulfilled or satisfied?" “What brings meaning into my

life?” When embarking on this process, there is an opportunity for a new beginning and the best part is that we can start now, exactly where we are, and exactly the way

we are. We can begin the journey of building, in Hayes' words, "a life worth living.” One way to begin is to try to to sit with all that comes to us: all of our thoughts, feelings, memories, and bodily sensations. We can begin to truly feel and try not to run away from uncomfortable or painful thoughts and feelings. We can chose to begin the journey of “acceptance” without judging our experience or judging ourselves. This, of course, is not easy and does not happen overnight. However, with patience and practice of the ACT approach and ACT tools, as our busy minds quiet down, we are able to begin to be in touch with what is important to us and how we want to live our life.

As Steven Hayes says, we can ask ourselves “what do I want to manifest in my life?” and “how do I want to use this precious short time on this planet?” As we start connecting with our values we can experience unexpected benefits such as positive feelings of joy, satisfaction, and increased happiness, as well as authentic connections with others and more energy and vitality. A lot of people who implement the ACT approach and ACT skills also notice a significant decrease in self-defeating and unhealthy behaviors, which often cause deep suffering. Ultimately, this path leads many people to find purpose and to feel that they are living their lives fully. Again in Steven Hayes’ words, one begins to see their life gradually return to a “life worth living”.

Dr. Hayes and his colleagues developed many useful techniques to help get us on this path. Some of them include “diffusing” from our unhelpful thoughts, being mindful and

present in the moment, as well as practicing to accept whatever comes over way, as

painful as it might be. He describes putting our mind “on the leash”. For example,

when we experience self-judgments, self-doubts, fear, or any other intense painful

emotion, the ACT techniques of “diffusion” provide a little distance. They turn the volume down on those deeply painful “private internal experiences”, as

described so eloquently in Russ Harris’ “The Confidence Gap.” Russ Harris

emphasizes that our mind is wired to be always busy, always problem solving, strategizing, and planning. Both authors further explain that, from an evolutionary perspective, our minds evolved to be always watching out for danger, ultimately seeking to protect us. However, Russ Harris points out that our mind is a double-edged sword, as it is seeking to be in control and be helpful to us and therefore it constantly has something to say. Unfortunately, too often, it berates us and gives us never-ending feedback about our flaws, faults, and failures. Dr. Hayes calls this aspect of our mind the “dictator within”. Therefore, diffusing from harsh self-judgments or self-talk is essential to the process of connecting with our true self, the present moment, and with our values.

ACT techniques require practice and patience. It is not always easy and it is a process. In my view, it is a lifelong process but the benefits are so well worth our time and effort. Practicing ACT truly leads many of us to a healthier life, to authentic and deep connections with others, and to inner peace. I believe that there is always an opportunity for a new beginning and it is never too late. And, when things get hard or when things don’t go the way we want, we can practice self-compassion, we can gently accept and honor exactly where we are, and start again and again.

I wish you patience and perseverance on this journey.